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many others of the creatures crawling, swimming, etc

English translation: Another variation

12:52 May 8, 2005
English language (monolingual) [PRO]
Art/Literary - Poetry & Literature / children's literature
English term or phrase: many others of the creatures crawling, swimming, etc
Among them were the Mire Pixie, the Bog Varmint, some Green Vampires and Toads from the Mires, Diving Beetles, Black Leeches and Adders, and also many others of the creatures crawling, swimming, flying or nesting in the marshes.

Dear native English speakers!
Please advise on the construction in the end of the sentence. It seems pretty clumsy to me but I don't know how make it look better.
I'll appreciate any suggestions.
Thank you.

P.S. This is my translation from Russian.
Andrew Vdovin
Local time: 09:12
Selected answer:Another variation
Explanation:
Among them were the Mire Pixie, the Bog Varmint, some Green Vampires and Toads from the Mires, Diving Beetles, Black Leeches and Adders, and many of the other creatures that crawl, swim, fly, or nest in the marshes.

I don't mind the long list (even in a children's story) if it's there for effect, nor the two consecutive and's. Hosts and hordes -- now these can be confusing.
Selected response from:

Nick Lingris
United Kingdom
Local time: 03:12
Grading comment
Thank you for your help Santo! Thanks everybody!!!
4 KudoZ points were awarded for this answer



SUMMARY OF ALL EXPLANATIONS PROVIDED
3 +12Another variation
Nick Lingris
4 +3See comment below...
Tony M
3 +3my crack at this...
Robert Donahue (X)
3Among them were the mire pixie,...
Balasubramaniam L.


  

Answers


10 mins   confidence: Answerer confidence 3/5Answerer confidence 3/5 peer agreement (net): +3
my crack at this...


Explanation:
Among them were Mire Pixie, the Bog Varmint, a few Green Vampires and Toads from the Mires, Diving Beetles, Black Leeches and Adders, and a host of other creatures that crawled, swam, flew or nested in the marshes.

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Note added at 15 mins (2005-05-08 13:07:23 GMT)
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Taking a cue from Dusty here Andrew. : ) If you drop some of these it reads much better.

Among them were Mire Pixie, the Bog Varmint, some Green Vampires and Toads from the Mires, and a host of other creatures that crawled, swam, flew or nested in the marshes.


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Note added at 16 mins (2005-05-08 13:08:22 GMT)
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++++Just a suggestion, since I don\'t know who the important ones are (save for The Bog Varmint and Mire Pixie).

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Note added at 18 mins (2005-05-08 13:10:28 GMT)
--------------------------------------------------

Among them were Mire Pixie, the Bog Varmint, a few Green Vampires and Toads from the Mires, Diving Beetles, Black Leeches and Adders, and a host of other creatures that crawled, swam, flew or nested in the marshes.

Among them were Mire Pixie, the Bog Varmint, a few Green Vampires and Toads from the Mires, Diving Beetles, Black Leeches and Adders, and a host of other creatures crawling, swimming, flying or nesting in the marshes.


Robert Donahue (X)
Specializes in field
Native speaker of: Native in EnglishEnglish
PRO pts in category: 44

Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
agree  Tony M: Yes, I like 'host', it was one of the other words I thought of. I think your solution is neater, though maybe now it could be tidied still further by dropping 'that' and reverting to the -ing participles? // Good idea! I do prefer #2, I think
5 mins
  -> Maybe, I posted the two next to one another for comparison. Thanks Dusty!
agree  Can Altinbay: Got to agree with both, for the great suggestions. That last version is really good.
2 hrs
  -> Thanks Can. Santo makes a good point, long lists and children's stories go hand in hand. Think Dr. Suess...
neutral  Balasubramaniam L.: The occurrence of mire twice in the sentence can be avoided by using swamp in the second occurrence
3 hrs
  -> Or by using bog, everglade, wetland, slough, muskeg, bayou and so on. I left it because it's capitalized in the given sample. "The Mires" could very well be a proper noun, if you change it that would screw things up, no?
agree  Will Matter
13 hrs
  -> Thanks Will!
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9 mins   confidence: Answerer confidence 4/5Answerer confidence 4/5 peer agreement (net): +3
See comment below...


Explanation:
Well, for a start, I'd be inclined to go for 'many more...' rather than 'others' --- although it's probably arguably not wrong as such, 'many others' followed by a noun (or list of nouns) in the way you've used it certainly sounds -- well, just plain odd! Normally, one might use the construction 'many other [< singular] + plural noun(s), but that wouldn't work either if you then want to tack on the remainder of the sentence...

Leave out the 'also' --- it's just padding, and spoils the flow of the sentence.

It's a very long, awkward sentence containing the two lists; is it important to name all of the first ones like this? And as for the second list, it might be better to just cut it short and say "...and many of the other marsh creatures" --- I honestly don't think the value you get from describing what they do outweighs the negative value of making the sentence so clumsy.

If you feel that keeping ALL of these things is of fivtal importance, then I'd try and split it into two shorter sentences (wiser for children's stories) --- you could perhaps say "{first sentence, ending with 'Adders'}. With them came (or whatever other verb follows on nicely from your preceding sentence...) a whole horde of the other creatures that crawl.... etc."



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Note added at 24 mins (2005-05-08 13:17:04 GMT)
--------------------------------------------------

At risk of lengthening rather than shortening your sentence, I really think it would be lovely to work \'slithered\' into your list of nasty, marshy verbs!

Tony M
France
Local time: 04:12
Works in field
Native speaker of: Native in EnglishEnglish
PRO pts in category: 260

Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
agree  Robert Donahue (X): I agree with Dusty that if there are creatures that aren't so important you'd be better served leaving a few out.
2 mins
  -> Thanks, Robert! :-)
agree  Can Altinbay: Got to agree with both, for the great suggestions. I'm also contemplating dividing it into two sentences...
2 hrs
  -> Thanks, Can!
agree  Will Matter
13 hrs
  -> Thanks, Willmatter!
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1 hr   confidence: Answerer confidence 3/5Answerer confidence 3/5 peer agreement (net): +12
Another variation


Explanation:
Among them were the Mire Pixie, the Bog Varmint, some Green Vampires and Toads from the Mires, Diving Beetles, Black Leeches and Adders, and many of the other creatures that crawl, swim, fly, or nest in the marshes.

I don't mind the long list (even in a children's story) if it's there for effect, nor the two consecutive and's. Hosts and hordes -- now these can be confusing.


Nick Lingris
United Kingdom
Local time: 03:12
Specializes in field
Native speaker of: Native in GreekGreek
PRO pts in category: 44
Grading comment
Thank you for your help Santo! Thanks everybody!!!

Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
agree  RHELLER: and all of the other
1 hr
  -> Thank you, Rita.
agree  Robert Donahue (X): This is a good version too. : )
1 hr
  -> And a warm thank you from a friend in Athens
agree  Lucy Phillips: yes, kids' stories are full of lists - and kids love them! (Hungry Caterpillar anyone?) and I agree with you that 'host' and 'hordes' are possibly not right for a children's story.
1 hr
  -> Thank you, Lucy.
agree  Sara Noss
2 hrs
  -> Thank you.
agree  Alfa Trans (X)
3 hrs
  -> Thanks a lot, Marju.
agree  Refugio
3 hrs
  -> Many thanks, Ruth.
agree  gtreyger (X)
7 hrs
  -> Thank you, Gennadiy, from a friend in Athens
agree  Will Matter: Nice answer! Veeeery nice, amazing, amusing and well-written CV. Welcome to ProZ!
12 hrs
  -> Thanks; and thanks again (I'm deeply honoured).
agree  x-Translator (X)
14 hrs
  -> Hey, here's another itinerant! Thanks and au revoir.
agree  mportal: I would leave out 'of the' - many other creatures...
17 hrs
  -> Still good English, but (syntactically only) it may mean that the former lot are not among the creepy-crawlies of the marshes.
agree  Vicky Papaprodromou
22 hrs
agree  Spiros Doikas
1 day 23 hrs
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3 hrs   confidence: Answerer confidence 3/5Answerer confidence 3/5
Among them were the mire pixie,...


Explanation:
Among them were the mire pixie, the bog varmint, some green vampires and toads from the swamps, diving beetles, black leeches and adders, and also many other creatures that crawl, swim, fly or nest in the marshes.

I have refrained from capitalizing the first letter of the name of each creature, for they seem to be generic terms, not referring to a specific individual creature. Also I have substituted swamps for the second occurrence of mire in the sentence as that interrupts the flow of the sentence.

Balasubramaniam L.
India
Local time: 07:42
Native speaker of: Native in HindiHindi
PRO pts in category: 32

Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
neutral  Robert Donahue (X): Which is what leads me to believe that they are in fact characters in the story.
11 mins
  -> Did you notice that except for the Mire Pixie and the Bog Varmint, all the others are in the plural form?
neutral  Tony M: I agree with Robert; Andrew's style throughout this translation has been to capitalize the names of monsters etc., and I think it makes it more fun!
15 hrs
  -> Thanks
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