Choosing *not* to raise baby bilingually socially acceptable?

Giovanni Guarnieri MITI, MIL wrote:
..... If I could choose between being bilingual and having a firm identity, I know which one I would go for...

Giovanni Guarnieri MITI, MIL wrote:
but when they will be in their thirties and fourties, they will be asking themselves: who really am I? Am I Scottish? Am I Swedish? And they won't find an answer. They won't have an identity. Believe me, it will happen. If I could choose between being bilingual and having a firm identity, I know which one I would go for...

[Edited at 2008-06-29 11:30]

Belén Martín-Caravaca wrote:
...language is organised in "life experience" compartments in my head.

Nicole Y. Adams, M.A. wrote:

Hello all,

There's been a similar thread recently but I want to put a slightly different slant on it:

My native language is German, my husband's native language is English and we just had our first baby who is now 8 weeks old. Now, most people assume we are raising him bilingually, with me speaking German to him and my husband English.

However, English is my dominant language, speaking German does not come natural to me at all and I find it impossible to speak to my baby in German. I keep trying to force myself to speak German to him but it just does not work. I'd feel like speaking to him in an 'artificial' language and am worried I would not be able to develop a 'natural' relationship with him, as I would constantly sound stilted and 'forced' if I spoke German.

Don't get me wrong, I fully agree that it would obviously be a massive advantage if he grew up speaking German as well and I almost feel guilty about speaking to him in English. Saying that, there is no family in Germany with whom he would need to communicate in German, and we are going to relocate to Australia in the near future where employment agencies have told me the demand for German is very low (unless he wants to become a freelance translator of course). Interestingly, I have a French friend with a British husband who feels exactly the same: She only speaks English to her child as well even though French is her mother tongue but does not come natural to her anymore.

Now I have a couple of questions/observations:

For one I am very surprised, or should I say shocked, at the level of criticism and negative comments I get from friends and acquaintances when they learn that I do not speak German to my baby, especially being a translator myself. It seems to be socially expected and no other choice acceptable, which I find outrageous to be honest. Is it so absurd that I want to speak to him in what comes and feels natural, i.e English? (He's a "sweatheart", not a "Schatz"!)

Secondly, do you think that it would be possible for him to pick up German solely through audio tapes, children's books, DVD's and trips to Germany several times a year? Or is this a lost cause if I do not constantly actively talk to him in the language?

Is anyone else in the same situation who has a different native language than his/her partner but did not raise his/her children bilingually for whatever reason? What have been your experiences?

I look forward to your replies

Nicole

Belén Martín-Caravaca wrote:


Nicole,

You say in your post: "For one I am very surprised, or should I say shocked, at the level of criticism and negative comments I get from friends and acquaintances...." Unfortunately, from my own experience as a mother (I have a 3 year old), only thing I can say to you is: get used to it!!. From now on you are going to be judged on every decision you make and you will understand the true meaning of the "mummy wars" expression. From how you decide to give birth, feed your baby, choose childcare..real nappies v. disposables, breast v. bottle, going back to work or staying at home..the list will be endless and yes, how you speak to your child will be an issue too.

You say: "However, English is my dominant language, speaking German does not come natural to me at all and I find it impossible to speak to my baby in German". Well I think you have answered yourself here. How are you supposed to bond with your baby if you have to "think" first before you say something or translate in your head. You will do whatever comes natural to you. It's amazing, I can't sing to save my life but when I am with my child and since she was born I always feel an urge to break into song, like in a bad musical. babies find the voice of their mothers singing soothing. Nature is wise and I do it because it feels natural. I am a native Spanish speaker and what feels natural to me is to sing to her a made up single song that she loves...it goes: "kiss you like a baby..love you like a baby.."

I really feel your pain as I am getting a lot of flak from my family because my toddler speaks English better than Spanish. This is of course something else I am doing "wrong" (I am rolling my eyes as I speak). But, they don't understand how difficult it is. I have lived in England and spoken English everyday for the last ten years, English comes very naturally to me now (albeit still full of mistakes!). Something else they don't understand is that for me language is organised in "life experience" compartments in my head. With this I mean that for me the experience of having a baby is an "english" experience and the vocabulary and the thought process is English. I didn't have a lot of contact with babies as I was growing up in Spain, I have no younger brothers or sisters and I left Spain before I was remotely broody. if you have spent the whole afternoon singing the "wheels on the bus.." with your baby and your friends at a play group, it is natural to go home and sing the same song. I had to make an effort to go online to find Spanish nursery rhymes because all i could honestly remember was the first two lines of "tengo una muñeca vestida de azul..". My husband is welsh and we speak English at home. Most of my friends are English, and if you are having a conversation with other people, suddenly turning to your child and saying something in a different language that no one else understands is not always nice. I feel rude to be honest and if I am exhausted I have to admit that I struggle. Her vocabulary is also much more developed in English, and I know that I can sit down and chatter to her in Spanish, but if I need to give her clear instructions (ie stop pulling the cat's tail) they need to be in English. I have also noticed she gets anxious about speaking to her grandparents or other Spanish members of the family because she can tell she is not as good at it as english, so she tries to avoid it.

If you find it difficult to speak in german yourself to your child but you still want him to have exposure to the language, my advice is to find a german playgroup in your area or german mums to meet with regularly. Other material such as videos, songs, books etc is good too, but they are no substitute to a human being. Problem is children find out very quickly which language they can communicate with the most efficiency, so if his little friends also speak English, chances are they will among themselves too. My toddler does this. from my experience, the spanish-english children that speak spanish most fluently here in England are the ones that either get sent to spain for long periods of times during the holidays, have monolingual family members around 24-7 or parents speak Spanish at home.

But most important of all, do what is comfortable to you. I think that teaching a child a language when they are young and it's easy is a gift, but no one says it's your obligation. As a mum, you are going to feel guilty about a million things, don't let this be one of them.

Berni Armstrong wrote:


I find it sad Giovanni that you imply that an accident of birth is the be all and end all of our identities.

Since a distant cousin of mine first stepped out of Apollo 11 onto the Moon, we have been reminded how small and delicate our tiny blue world is. Do any of us really need to cling to outdated 19th Century concepts of nationhood to find an identity in our increasingly global world. If so, I find that a sad reflection on the chains those who drew the borders in the age of nationalism have left us as a legacy.

Lesley Clarke wrote:

You´d better get used to being criticised about your parenting, whatever you do will be criticised and undermined by other people.