Pages in topic: [1 2] > | A German-English challenge... Thread poster: Annika Neudecker
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Hi ProZians, I'm not sure if this post is appropriate for this forum, but still... There is a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke, which has been translated from German into English a few times, but I don't really like any of the existing English translations. Those I've read either don't rhyme or don't use the correct rhythm/meter. Would anyone want to have a go at an English translation? Just for fun? I'd be curious to read your input... See more Hi ProZians, I'm not sure if this post is appropriate for this forum, but still... There is a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke, which has been translated from German into English a few times, but I don't really like any of the existing English translations. Those I've read either don't rhyme or don't use the correct rhythm/meter. Would anyone want to have a go at an English translation? Just for fun? I'd be curious to read your input Thanks a lot, Annika _____ Ich lebe mein Leben in wachsenden Ringen, die sich über die Dinge ziehn. Ich werde den letzten vielleicht nicht vollbringen, aber versuchen will ich ihn. Ich kreise um Gott, um den uralten Turm, und ich kreise jahrtausendelang; und ich weiß noch nicht: bin ich ein Falke, ein Sturm oder ein großer Gesang. Rainer Maria Rilke Aus "Das Stundenbuch", erschienen 1905
[Edited at 2006-08-05 18:28] ▲ Collapse | | |
Here's a meagre attempt at the first stanza, Annika, and two versions I found online. In this case I changed the rhyme scheme to couplets. I live my life in widening rings that spread out over all things. This last one I may not complete but I shall not admit defeat. Online versions I live my life in widening circles that reach out across the world. I may not complete this last one but I give myself to it. I... See more Here's a meagre attempt at the first stanza, Annika, and two versions I found online. In this case I changed the rhyme scheme to couplets. I live my life in widening rings that spread out over all things. This last one I may not complete but I shall not admit defeat. Online versions I live my life in widening circles that reach out across the world. I may not complete this last one but I give myself to it. I circle around God, around the primordial tower. I've been circling for thousands of years and I still don't know: am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song? http://www.panhala.net/Archive/I_live_my_life.html I live my life in evergrowing circles Which extend over all things. Maybe I will not complete the last one But I will surely make the attempt. I circle ’round God, ’round the ancient tower And I circle for thousands of years. And I do not yet know Am I a falcon, a storm—or a great song. http://www.nmcop.org/acceptance%20spring%202004.pdf ▲ Collapse | | | I like this :-) | Aug 5, 2006 |
Hi Kim, Thanks for your attempt - and not a meagre one at all! It's greatly appreciated. I like your first stanza - especially the "I shall not admit defeat" part.... Annika | | | Peter Linton (X) Local time: 11:31 Swedish to English + ... Next challenge - An die Freude | Aug 5, 2006 |
I too was impressed by Kim Metzger's sterling effort, but it does illustrate the sheer difficulty, if not impossibility, of translating poetry. What is so easily lost is exactly that -- the poetry, leaving just a chunk of prose behind. Too often it is verse to worse. But let me issue a fresh challenge -- to translate Schiller's An die Freude (Ode to Joy). This has always struck me as just about the most untranslateable poem in all literature (though I am sure that other languages ca... See more I too was impressed by Kim Metzger's sterling effort, but it does illustrate the sheer difficulty, if not impossibility, of translating poetry. What is so easily lost is exactly that -- the poetry, leaving just a chunk of prose behind. Too often it is verse to worse. But let me issue a fresh challenge -- to translate Schiller's An die Freude (Ode to Joy). This has always struck me as just about the most untranslateable poem in all literature (though I am sure that other languages can provide highly competitive alternatives). People are sometimes surprised that German -- never the most musical of languages -- can produce such wonderful lyric poetry with a remarkable economy of words, of which Schiller's poem is among the finest examples. Yet German literature has great poetic riches, most of which are lost in translation. Not surprising that Schiller's Ode is the official EU anthem - but can anyone improve on the English translations available? ▲ Collapse | |
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Oliver Walter United Kingdom Local time: 11:31 German to English + ... Freude or Freiheit? | Aug 6, 2006 |
Peter Linton wrote: But let me issue a fresh challenge -- to translate Schiller's An die Freude (Ode to Joy). This has always struck me as just about the most untranslateable poem in all literature (though I am sure that other languages can provide highly competitive alternatives). Was it originally to joy (Freude) or was it to freedom (Freiheit)? "Schiller was said to have conceived his poem under the title An die Freiheit— an "Ode to Freedom"--and to have changed it to the title and wording we know in order to avoid problems with the official censor's office." I had already heard this theory some years ago and now I found the above quote here: http://www.kennedy-center.org/calendar/index.cfm?fuseaction=composition&composition_id=2761 I suppose that even if the story is true, the poem was actually published as "Freude". I don't have the text, but it might be interesting to consider whether simply replacing "Freude" by "Freiheit" wherever it occurs in the poem produces an equally meaningful (or even a better) work. Oliver | | | Textklick Local time: 11:31 German to English + ... In memoriam Beethoven 9 - Last Movement - (Presto ma non serioso) | Aug 6, 2006 |
Peter Linton wrote: But let me issue a fresh challenge -- to translate Schiller's An die Freude (Ode to Joy). This has always struck me as just about the most untranslateable poem in all literature (though I am sure that other languages can provide highly competitive alternatives). People are sometimes surprised that German -- never the most musical of languages -- can produce such wonderful lyric poetry with a remarkable economy of words, of which Schiller's poem is among the finest examples. Yet German literature has great poetic riches, most of which are lost in translation. Not surprising that Schiller's Ode is the official EU anthem - but can anyone improve on the English translations available? Beethoven is said to have adapted Schiller's words a little. One translation is to be found here: http://w3.rz-berlin.mpg.de/cmp/beethoven_sym9.html Despite being a "grumpy old man", I have always thought of the delicate intro of the final melody of Beethoven's choral symphony as being one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever written. I started an attempt to adapt the translation referenced above to give it a little "zing", but time was not on my side, as I have a stunningly inspiring manual to complete. I therefore tender a more tongue-in-cheek version (Best read/sung when listening to the music, which I was unable to find among my stack of vinyl) Baritone intro: Oh friends, not these tones! Let us raise our voices in more pleasing and more joyful sounds! Choral: Proz, thy holy spark of life True daughter of Elysium Fired with joy we enter into This thine true and fine sanctum Magic words from thee shall rejoin All that Babel once did part And mankind be reunited By thine joyful linguist's heart Who has ever known true friendship Or has won a loving wife (1) Those who can call many souls one Join us in our joy of life And if such souls be but two They yet shall serve the common good False friends banished unbelov'd with (2) Tears from this our brotherhood Wordsmiths all we drink with joy from Powwows’ rich and fulsome breasts (3) Like and unlike bear our badge With Browniz glowing on our chests Still a worm can feel contentment, And the saint he stands ‘fore God! And - St. Google – stands ‘fore God (4) Boldly, out in cyberspace we Steer our fine exacting course Midst the splendour of our dicos Heroes all in Kudoz’ race Be embraced then, brother, sisters! Be your questions sometimes reckless Brethren, midst some fiery dispute Answers are our precious necklace Do you fall in worship, millions? Do you know the FAQs? Seek them in Proz’ firmament then Brethren you’ll ne’er sing the blues. 1 Oh yes – I can think of some 2 A reference to cleaning up the KOG 3 Maybe not every time, but I can claim some experiences 4 If memory serves, then this and the previous line are sung twice. Two hits, so to speak. Cheers Chris
[Edited at 2006-08-06 14:32] | | | Original question... | Aug 6, 2006 |
Anyone out there who wants to tackle the original question? Kim already did a great job with the first stanza! Thanks, Annika | | | Back to the original topic... | Aug 6, 2006 |
Disclaimer: This is my very first attempt at translating poetry, so don't laugh (too hard). Rings My life I live in rings a growin'; A knot around all things I'm tying. May not reach all before I go, I know I will die trying. Circling 'round our God and Babel, One thousand years - so very long. Not sure yet, am I bird or gale, Or am I but just a song? ... See more Disclaimer: This is my very first attempt at translating poetry, so don't laugh (too hard). Rings My life I live in rings a growin'; A knot around all things I'm tying. May not reach all before I go, I know I will die trying. Circling 'round our God and Babel, One thousand years - so very long. Not sure yet, am I bird or gale, Or am I but just a song? Any comments and constructive criticism will be appreciated.
[Edited at 2006-08-06 15:58] ▲ Collapse | |
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Say it in broooken English ;-) | Aug 6, 2006 |
I live my live in growing rings expanding over any things, the last one uncomplete may stay but I will try it anyway. I'm circling god, the ancient tower, with a never ending power wondering where I belong: to falcons, storms or a great song. | | | Poetry translators amongst us... | Aug 8, 2006 |
Derek, Thanks so much I like your version! And I didn't laugh at all... I really like this: Circling 'round our God and Babel, One thousand years - so very long. Not sure yet, am I bird or gale, Or am I but just a song? Harry, I like your second stanza as well!!! I'm circling god, the ancient tower, with a never ending power ... See more Derek, Thanks so much I like your version! And I didn't laugh at all... I really like this: Circling 'round our God and Babel, One thousand years - so very long. Not sure yet, am I bird or gale, Or am I but just a song? Harry, I like your second stanza as well!!! I'm circling god, the ancient tower, with a never ending power wondering where I belong: to falcons, storms or a great song. I think you two should add "poetry" to your subject areas!! "KudoZ" to you, Annika ▲ Collapse | | | Vito Smolej Germany Local time: 12:31 Member (2004) English to Slovenian + ... SITE LOCALIZER I have yet to fire up my TRADOS | Aug 9, 2006 |
Anyone out there who wants to tackle the original question? Here's how far I haven gotten so far... I live myself my life in increasing rings, over the things ziehn. I will not achieve the latter perhaps, but to try I want him. I circle around God, over the age-old tower, and I circle thousands of years; and I do not know yet: I am a falcon, a storm or a large singing. (courtesy of Babelfish). Am I overdoing it? Yeah, I guess it's slightly overdone. However, how can one even assume one can get Rilke across at a bat of an eye ... when the hundred years past and gazillions of poets have evidently bitten on granite. smo | | |
Now what would we do without Babelfish !!!?? Vito, I was just hoping that there are lot of talented and gifted poetry translators "hanging out" on ProZ who don't mind trying the "unachievable"
[Edited at 2006-08-09 12:43] Besides, what Kim, Derek, and Harry translated is indeed better than the previous translations... So, give us a... See more Now what would we do without Babelfish !!!?? Vito, I was just hoping that there are lot of talented and gifted poetry translators "hanging out" on ProZ who don't mind trying the "unachievable"
[Edited at 2006-08-09 12:43] Besides, what Kim, Derek, and Harry translated is indeed better than the previous translations... So, give us a few more years (or hundreds of 'em), and we'll get it right...
[Edited at 2006-08-09 13:02] ▲ Collapse | |
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Vito Smolej Germany Local time: 12:31 Member (2004) English to Slovenian + ... SITE LOCALIZER I still think the original is it | Aug 9, 2006 |
and all the rest is much like telling how it is to face God. It's like ... there's only one Sixtine chappel right? btw ... instead of translating ... why not rather read some more of RM Rilke? But not too much. My head and heart start to spin.... smo
[Edited at 2006-08-09 22:10] | | | You're right .... | Aug 16, 2006 |
You're right, Vito. Nothing beats the original.... Annika | | |
is important to Rilke, and difficult. It is unfortunate that it rhymes so blatantly with rings in English. I live my life in widening rings that slowly encompass the things I may not complete it, but I will attempt the last of all the rings. I orbit God, the ancient tower many millenia long not knowing yet: am I a falcon, a storm or a mighty song. I don't really like 'mighty', but it fits in the rhythm! Mar... See more is important to Rilke, and difficult. It is unfortunate that it rhymes so blatantly with rings in English. I live my life in widening rings that slowly encompass the things I may not complete it, but I will attempt the last of all the rings. I orbit God, the ancient tower many millenia long not knowing yet: am I a falcon, a storm or a mighty song. I don't really like 'mighty', but it fits in the rhythm! Margaret Marks
[Edited at 2006-08-20 08:20] ▲ Collapse | | | Pages in topic: [1 2] > | To report site rules violations or get help, contact a site moderator: You can also contact site staff by submitting a support request » A German-English challenge... CafeTran Espresso | You've never met a CAT tool this clever!
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